Wednesday, January 4, 2012

a subtle disenfranchisement



I personally experienced an indirect disenfranchisement and subtle rejection from the Body of Christ.  By indirect I mean that it took time for me to realize that I was not really a part of the community in which I felt called to minister.  As a result, I slowly began to reject myself, and forfeited my own identity to embrace the status quo of religion and its clones. I knew that as long as I could perform like a circus clown, or monkey on a leash, I would be accepted. Deep inside, however, I realized that the moment I stepped outside of those boundaries set for me by the suggested rules of my doctrine I would be handed a scarlet letter.

I have tattoos, I like to drink alcohol, and occasionally I smoke cigars. These were the very things that my said religion called worldly, and the religious institution I was a member of rejected in its pursuit of Christian perfection. The craziest thing is, the community “I was a part of” was working so hard to become separated from people like me, I could either to drink the Kool-Aid or accept the rejection I already felt. When I realized that I could not live up to the expectations placed upon me by the religious establishment, and that I was one of the people that the church was openly separating itself from, I inevitably hide myself in plain sight. All the while hoping that someone, anyone, would actually come along and free me from the mundane routine of playing church. In an environment that taught grace and freedom in Christ, I was instead handed a mask to wear around so that I could actually fit in and be acceptable. For over a decade, I jumped through the hoops, wore the uniform, said all the right things, and ultimately rejected the people that Jesus valued most during his time on this planet. I was so lost, so tired, and felt rejected by the people I loved.

My own rejection made it difficult for me to embrace my neighbor. Instead of loving others, insecurities (i.e. my inability to accept the real me) created a sort of warped judgment within me. I was hiding inside a community that I had to lie to myself to be a part of. The only way to free myself from the bondage I was experiencing was to separate myself from the conventional church setting. When I finally decided that I was done playing all these games with others and myself, I found real freedom in Christ and began the process of accepting me.