Threshold of Decisions

Anytime we are standing on the threshold of decision, whether that decision is a major or minor one, we’re often making those decisions based on what many refer to as faith. It is assumed that such faith involves us taking obedient steps forward, often, into the unknown. Like Indiana Jones’ leap of faith in the Last Crusade. Indy, however, is relying more on what he knows to be true, rather than jumping blindly into the unfamiliar. It just might be that faith is the reality that enables us to see. If so, then such faith would make it possible to grasp what waits before us or to understand what lies behind us.

In Hebrews, Paul describes faith as a way of living. He says that while it cannot be denied, faith also cannot be render into something tangible. Ultimately, such a definition of faith would require great sacrifice on the part of anyone who would choose to live it out. If faith is a mode of life rather than a blind step we take here or there, then what others might perceive as failure, or a step backward, could actually be an example of one’s faith being lived out.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have this perception that true faith never looks back, and always moves forward, trusting God with the unknown. But what if it takes just as much faith to step into what we actually know and can see? And what if that involves us stepping back from the threshold we now stand before? Many would interpret that as having no faith at all. However, it is my understanding that the examples that Paul gives in Hebrews were all acting on what they knew, could trust, and could see. If that is faith being lived out, then stepping back into what I know and can understand is also a great leap of faith.

a subtle disenfranchisement

I personally experienced an indirect disenfranchisement and subtle rejection from the Body of Christ.  By indirect I mean that it took time for me to realize that I was not really a part of the community in which I felt called to minister.  As a result, I slowly began to reject myself, and forfeited my own identity to embrace the status quo of religion and its clones. I knew that as long as I could perform like a circus clown, or monkey on a leash, I would be accepted. Deep inside, however, I realized that the moment I stepped outside of those boundaries set for me by the suggested rules of my doctrine I would be handed a scarlet letter.

I have tattoos, I like to drink alcohol, and occasionally I smoke cigars. These were the very things that my said religion called worldly, and the religious institution I was a member of rejected in its pursuit of Christian perfection. The craziest thing is, the community “I was a part of” was working so hard to become separated from people like me, I could either to drink the Kool-Aid or accept the rejection I already felt. When I realized that I could not live up to the expectations placed upon me by the religious establishment, and that I was one of the people that the church was openly separating itself from, I inevitably hide myself in plain sight. All the while hoping that someone, anyone, would actually come along and free me from the mundane routine of playing church. In an environment that taught grace and freedom in Christ, I was instead handed a mask to wear around so that I could actually fit in and be acceptable. For over a decade, I jumped through the hoops, wore the uniform, said all the right things, and ultimately rejected the people that Jesus valued most during his time on this planet. I was so lost, so tired, and felt rejected by the people I loved.

My own rejection made it difficult for me to embrace my neighbor. Instead of loving others, insecurities (i.e. my inability to accept the real me) created a sort of warped judgment within me. I was hiding inside a community that I had to lie to myself to be a part of. The only way to free myself from the bondage I was experiencing was to separate myself from the conventional church setting. When I finally decided that I was done playing all these games with others and myself, I found real freedom in Christ and began the process of accepting me.